There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
