There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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