Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
