There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
