It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
