He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
