he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
