you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
