be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
