my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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