i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
