Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
