There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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