You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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