i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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