This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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