im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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