I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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