so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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