i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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