You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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