We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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