whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
