I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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