We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
