I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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