just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
