Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
