rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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