Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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