What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
