Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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