we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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