I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have tasted many bathrooms
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
