woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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