Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
