Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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