Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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