I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
there was a trapeze. enough said
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
