I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
