well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
