wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
