he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
