I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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