Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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