ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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