if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
