the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
