id be glad to
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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