I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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