whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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