peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
