I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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