Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
