I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
