Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
