it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
